


The Way It Is Now

by kc_evans



Series: The Way It Could Have Been [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, But it's slow going, F/M, Finally getting to the good stuff, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, References to Origins and DA2, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 00:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4459121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kc_evans/pseuds/kc_evans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the victory at Adamant Fortress, Cullen Rutherford finds himself firmly established in his role as the Inquisition’s Commander of the army. While he flourishes in the responsibilities and importance of his work, he doesn’t quite know how to deal with his growing feelings for the Inquisitor.</p><p>Evelyn Trevelyan has every confidence in her Commander to lead the army to victory. She starts to see him as a confidant she can rely on - and maybe more. But past decisions and regrets come back to haunt her, affecting the relationship with her advisors and companions even as she pursues the man responsible for one of her greatest failures as Inquisitor. </p><p>AU - Slight canon divergence. Rated T for the occasional strong language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way It Is Now

**Author's Note:**

> Beta-ed by the lovely, talented and awesome [Fumm95](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fumm95/pseuds/Fumm95).

The last war council before leaving for Halamshiral ended late in the afternoon, just as the sunlight fell across the table to highlight the burnished markers set on the map. They spent most of the day going over the numerous contingency plans to take care of any problems that might arise while all four of them focused on protecting Celene. With the top Inquisition members occupied at the ball, Evelyn had visions of Corypheus marching with his army to attack Skyhold, or the Venatori opening more time travel rifts, or the Red Templars going on a ransacking spree. To Leliana’s credit, the spymaster didn’t even bat an eyelash as Evelyn described her fears and simply assured her that her birds and scouts would contact them if anything happened.

“If that’s everything, we’ll end here,” Evelyn said at last, taking one last lingering look at the map. Her advisors’ pieces were scattered all over the board, including the strong occupancy of the army which was a welcome sight. Under Cullen’s careful maneuvering from the past six weeks, the Inquisition presence was no longer stretched so thin while still occupying key locations. Her gaze lingered on the Western Approach and a satisfied smile turned her lips as she noted the absence of Corypheus’ marker with relish.

With her preoccupation of the map, she almost missed the exchanged glances between Cullen and Leliana. Evelyn raised her eyebrows as her commander cleared his throat.

“Um, there is one more thing, Inquisitor.”

“Well, something tells me I’m not going to like this at all,” Evelyn said with a sigh, looking between her advisors. Of course it had been too much to hope she could simply concentrate on the Winter Palace without worrying about other problems. Evelyn leaned her hip against the table and folded her arms across her chest. “All right, tell me.”

Cullen took a deep breath. It was a little unsettling to see him so tentative and unlike the assured commander she was used to. “A little over a month ago, I had Rylen send word to a good friend of his who left with Samson and part of the army. I asked him to send out a feeler, see how the mood was with - well, they’re technically deserters - and if anyone was interested in returning to the Inquisition. We could always used experienced soldiers and I was hoping our victory at Adamant would make at least a handful reconsider. Rylen sent a letter to his friend, but he heard no response and swore that was unusual. He would have at least received a ‘Go swallow your sword, you nug-licking prat’.”

“Mmhmm,” Evelyn said, trying to fight the sinking feeling in her gut.

“It concerned Rylen and made me curious so I asked Leliana to send scouts out and see what the status of the army was. Perhaps they had all scattered after leaving Skyhold? Or did Samson have their loyalty to the point where Rylen’s friend wouldn’t even answer?”

He paused there and Leliana took up the story. “I did as the Commander requested. My people picked up their trail easily enough. It isn’t easy for so many soldiers to disappear, after all. But the reports I received were disturbing. What was once nearly two hundred of soldiers seemed to have been reduced to mere dozens, and all were acting unusual. They even looked unusual. And we found more of the red lyrium in their encampment.”

“Of course you did,” Evelyn said, her tone flat. The presence of red lyrium was especially not a good sign. “What the hell is Samson doing to my people?”

“We are still investigating what happened between then and now, but Commander Cullen and I have discussed it and we agree it cannot be anything good,” Leliana said.

The spymaster’s voice took on a soothing quality, no doubt to keep Evelyn from anger, but she ignored it. Her temples pulsed in time to her quickening heartbeat as unease surged down her spine in a cascade of icy pinpricks. Her hands, still tucked under her arms, trembled though she didn’t know whether it was from anxiety or fury. “I want to know now,” Evelyn said, hardly realizing how loud she had gotten. Anger was much better than fear so she clung onto that emotion. “He took one hundred eighty two soldiers with him and now you’re telling me the majority of them are missing? Where are they, Leliana? Tell me what you’re holding back.”

Her advisors exchanged glances again and Evelyn pressed her lips together. So they thought she was overreacting, did they? Uncrossing her arms, she dropped her hands on the war table, leaned forward, and gave them her best _don’t-disobey-me stare_.

Cullen finally spoke, though his voice had softened as if to counter her own raised volume. “This is pure speculation on our part, Your Worship. We could be - we are hoping we are wrong.” At her impatient hand gesture, he slanted Leliana one more look before straightening his posture even more, if that were possible. Evelyn recognized it as his official Commander stance delivering bad news and she braced herself for Cullen’s next words. “We are considering the idea that Samson has joined with Corypheus and have exposed the soldiers to red lyrium.”

Dead silence followed his words and Evelyn didn’t even have to look at Josephine to see the ambassador’s eyes widen in horror at that implication. Her mind attempted to process what Cullen was telling her in a logical, analytical manner, to try and stem the tide of emotions welling from deep within. Could it be that Samson spited her that much to take loyal men and women and give them over to the Inquisition’s enemy? How could he? Why would he? As Evelyn tried to ponder that, the tide broke free without warning and a wave of grief and guilt washed over her, nearly drowning her in the sudden onslaught of failure and responsibility.

When she finally spoke, Evelyn didn’t even recognize the hoarse voice coming from her. “How soon can you confirm this?”

“My agents are still investigating every possible lead. We should have an answer by the end of the ball, Your Worship.” Leliana kept her voice calm and steady and Evelyn was grateful for the spymaster’s professionalism because it stopped her from suddenly bursting into tears or embarrassing herself otherwise in front of her advisors.

“I want to be completely certain of what happened, from the time they left Skyhold to now,” Evelyn said, hating that her voice shook from trying to keep her emotions in check. She recognized the signs that she was going to break down any moment now, but she didn’t want an audience when it happened. “We’ll end here. Keep me posted with regular reports.” And before anyone could say anything else, Evelyn spun around and hurried out of the war room.

Her eyes blurred even before she passed Josephine’s office so she quickened her pace, out to the main hall. She turned a sharp left, walked - no ran - to her door because now hot tears spilled down from her eyes onto her cheeks and she didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Hardly aware of her surroundings, Evelyn wrenched the door open, went through and slammed it shut, going up the stairs, through another door and why did her room have to be so far away with so many damn steps? Finally, she burst into her room and heaved a deep breath in before allowing the dam to break.

Evelyn sank down to her knees where she stood, halfway between her bed and her couch, sobbing and allowing all the pent up emotions from the last four months to come pouring out. The loss and betrayal and guilt when the soldiers had left, almost a third of the active army, hurt like a deep stab in the heart. She had never allowed herself to express those emotions, keeping them tightly bottled up inside. _Don’t let them see your weakness,_ she had told herself. _Don’t let them see your hurt. You are the Inquisitor and people still look up to you!_

It was quite possible that only a few dozen former Inquisition soldiers survived the red lyrium transformation. And now they worked for Corypheus to destroy the world that they initially wanted to help save. If Evelyn had been in the mood, she would have laughed at the irony of it all.

And Samson. He had done this. Evelyn had so wanted to punch that sneering expression off his face when he publicly denounced the Inquisition and now she sorely regretted she didn’t.

Her jumbled thoughts began to order itself and allowed her to process them little by little. Evelyn knew she hadn’t completely dealt with everything that had happened, even as far back as Haven. The past eight months had been filled with more chaos and concern than she had ever to dealt with before, and it was all she could do to keep afloat and keep moving forward. But at some point, it would all catch up to her, like now.

Samson. Corypheus. Assassination attempts, red lyrium, dragons, undead, and Maker knew whatever else He decided to throw in their direction.

No wonder some of her companions were were worried about her. They knew she was under tremendous pressure with no outlet to deal with it. There wasn’t even any time to do so. Evelyn supposed if she were in their shoes, she’d be concerned as well.

After sitting and thinking a while, the racking sobs from her body calmed to the occasional hiccup. She wiped her tears away, suddenly conscious of the hard, cold floor under her aching knees. Evelyn got up to look for a handkerchief when there was a knock on her door.

“Inquisitor? May I come in?”

Evelyn froze for a moment, recognizing Cullen’s voice coming through the door. Panic set in as she realized she looked like a complete mess. She didn’t want him seeing her in such disarray; that was the last impression she wanted to give. Picturing her snotty, runny nose and red, puffy eyes, Evelyn looked around frantically for a basin of water and where did she put all her handkerchiefs? Were they all at the launderer?

“Inquisitor?” Now there was a seed of concern in his voice.

She hadn’t answered him yet. She had to say something before he got even more worried. “Just a minute!” Evelyn called out and she finally remembered the servants always kept a basin of clean water for her near the bed. She ran over to the stand and washed her face, blew her nose and used the towel to dry herself. Peeking into the mirror, she groaned as she realized her cry had left her complexion as blotchy as she imagined.

“Your Worship, I don’t mean to intrude, but if you don’t open this door now, I will break it down.”

The matter-of-fact tone coupled with anxiety in Cullen’s voice finally spurred her to the door. There was nothing Evelyn could do about how she looked, and Cullen was just going to have to get over her swollen face. Because it didn’t matter what he thought about her.

And then she sighed. Who was she trying to fool? Of course it mattered! But it was too late to do anything about it and she resigned to showing Cullen a side of her he would probably be horrified to see.

Evelyn yanked the door open, and just in time, because Cullen had taken a few steps back in preparation to charge. “I’m fine, sorry, I was …” She gestured, a vague motion that was supposed to indicate things.

Cullen’s shoulders relaxed and he stepped closer, studying her face as if to make sure she really was okay. He didn’t comment on how horrible she looked, for which she was grateful. “I just wanted to check on you. It was a lot to take in and Leliana and I debated for a long time on whether or not we should wait to tell you before or after Halamshiral.”

“I’m glad you told me now,” Evelyn said earnestly. She was worried, of course, but she hated being in the dark even more. “It would feel like you’ve been lying to me had you waited.”

“That was perhaps the most compelling reason why I didn’t wait,” he admitted. “I remember what you told me at Adamant.”

Something in her chest lurched as she gazed up at Cullen. He had listened to her and kept his promise. If that wasn’t worthy of a small infatuation, Evelyn didn’t know what was. “Thank you,” she said softly. “That means … a lot.”

“If you want to talk about it,” he began.

Evelyn shook her head. The unexpected cry had cleared her mind a little and she knew she would eventually have to deal with her emotions, but she couldn’t afford the distraction now. “Not right now,” Evelyn said. “Perhaps after we save Celene and Orlais. I can’t talk to Leliana and Josephine about it; they’ll just tell me it’s not my fault and not hear what I’m saying. But you are a surprisingly good listener. And I like that you promised to be honest with me.”

Cullen smiled at that, looking pleased. He reached out and brushed a droplet of water from her forehead she had missed in her haste. The touch of his soft glove on her skin left an odd, tingling feeling behind and it suddenly seemed harder to breathe. Evelyn realized she was giving him a starry-eyed look like a love-struck teenager.

And then, as if awareness of their close proximity dawned on him, Cullen cleared his throat and took a subtle step back. He lifted his hand to rub the back of his neck in his endearing, nervous gesture. “So … yes. I’m um … glad I didn’t have to break down your door.”

Evelyn remembered when she first opened the door, he had stepped back a few feet as if he was going to charge at it with his shoulder. Despite her sober mood, her mouth twitched from holding back a smile. “You wouldn’t have had to. It was unlocked.”

Cullen blinked a few times as the realization set in. “Oh.” His face slowly flushed until it now matched the color of his neck. “Oh,” he said again lamely. He sighed and gave a wry smile of his own. “Well, I suppose I prefer you laughing at me rather than crying.”

Was he so nice to everyone or was she an exception? Evelyn didn’t allow her mind to contemplate it any longer than a split second because she didn’t want to know the answer to that. Out loud, she said with a grin, “Well, I appreciate your sacrifice, Ser.”

“Yes, sacrificing what remaining dignity I have left for a pretty lady is no problem at all,” Cullen said in a noble, long-suffering voice. “After all, I am the commander. No mission is too difficult.”

The spike of pleasure at being called pretty faded at the reminder of another commander who was the complete opposite of the man in front of her. Evelyn was amazed they were so different. Yes, Samson inspired dedication and loyalty, but he twisted it so their allegiance was misplaced in the man, not the purpose. Soldiers needed a good leader to follow, she knew, but too much devotion to one person could - and did - lead to blind faith and the potential for abuse.

Evidently Cullen noticed her good humor fade because he winced. “I’m sorry, I soured the mood again, didn’t I? I knew I should have asked Josephine to come instead.”

Evelyn shook her head immediately. “No. No, I’m glad you came.” And she was happy to see him, even if he saw her looking her worst. “Thank you for checking up on me,” she added softly, cringing at the tinge of shyness in her words.

Now he looked embarrassed. “Of course.”

Awkward silence fell between them, and Evelyn wished Cullen would say something, maybe prolong the conversation a little longer. But when he couldn’t even look her in the eye, Evelyn decided she was going to have to move or say something first. “Well, um, I guess I should finish packing for tomorrow,” she said.

“Oh, of course. Packing. Me too.” Cullen lifted his hand to rub his neck again but just as quickly dropped it as if he realized he was about to make his nervous gesture again. Instead, he took a step backward towards the landing. “If you’re really all right, Inquisitor, I’ll just go. Back to my room. To work.”

She gave him a puzzled look. “And pack?”

“Right, and pack,” he agreed, a little too quickly. “Well then … good day.” And he turned on his heels and marched down the steps as fast as he could - which, Evelyn realized as she stared at his retreating back, was rather fast.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to start this second part of _The Way It Could Have Been_. This will contain more interactions with the Inquisitor and Cullen so on with the romance and the slow burn. I hope you all enjoy!


End file.
